I am midnight drunk by noon
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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