smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
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