she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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