Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
