I hate your face
Apparently you make a good broom.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
