is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
