do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
