I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
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