I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Randomize
