I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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