3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
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