I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
