i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Randomize
