A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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