Please don't use social media to get back at me.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Randomize
