You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
