I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
