Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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