Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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