life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Couch. On fire.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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