I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
Randomize
