Me too!
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Randomize
