two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Randomize
