you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
