Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize
