i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Randomize
