i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Randomize
