I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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