i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
