you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
