but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
