Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize