I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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