____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
