I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
