I'm going to jail i love you
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
