youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
i just had sex bonerless
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
