i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
