If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
