so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
