Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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