And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize