Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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