i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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