if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
