I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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