I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
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