At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
