her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
People with herpes should wear stickers.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
