my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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