my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
