you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
