So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
