Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
