thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
