and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
